It’s been ages!
And again I broke my vow…
My vow to be a dedicated, consistent writer… to sit behind my laptop and churn out something…. anything regardless of my writer’s block issues… regardless of my busy schedule… regardless of my many excuses….
Although this post is about breaking a vow- it’s not my writing vow! It’s something a bit more….
This morning I woke up the same way- Just there.
One of those mornings I remain awake in bed for countless hours (Yes I mean hours)… trying to mutter something to God… trying to jump-start this “me-God thing” with the little energy inside of me… failing miserably and feeling frustrated.
So I do the best thing I know how to… Close my eyes and attempt to shut it all out (in other words I sleep off) and wake up feeling worse…
After the whole drama of sleeping and waking a zillion times, I slowly pick my bible, read something and sit on the floor to pray (that was to ensure I did not fall asleep again) but it did not solve the initial problem… jump-starting this thing- *Sigh*.
I start none the less and after mumbling a few words I tried to take a mental trip back to when this new sloppiness began. For some weird reason my mind went back to a vow I made once about two years ago (No I’m not sharing what that vow is!).
My lethargy soon turned to panic… I had made a vow to God two years ago and I had broken the vow countless times without even realizing I had broken something- It never occurred to me! No wonder my life keeps going up and down I thought.
I immediately moved to recovery mode… can I “Kabash” this thing away? Who sent me message to make this kain vow sef? Shouldn’t I have known I would break it? Even God sef must have known I would break it. My mind went to Hannah- she made and kept her vow and hers was harder than mine!!!!! For some reason my mind went to the Ananias and Sapphira story although it was not exactly the same situation, I saw that end.
My panic was slowly turning to paranoia. (A thing I feel a lot these days and can’t wait to see the end of).
After a few minutes I went in search of my diary… I remembered writing that vow down. I wanted to see it with my own eyes. I picked up my 2013 notebook, flipped through the pages it wasn’t there. Searched again and finally I flipped to this page in the diary… it was half torn. By my calculation of the dates it must have been written on that page.
But it was torn out.
Slowly I remembered vaguely a time in the past when I had experienced such panic I had disavowed the vow and torn the page. That must have been over a year ago.
As my heartbeat returned to its normal pace, I felt a slight sense of shame… Did I really think God kept a grudge that long? I’ve had some amazing moments of intimacy with him within the period… I’ve learnt of grace, mercy and his love… don’t those matter?
Truth is as much as I am understanding the importance of vows and keeping them and as sacred as they are, there is a part of God I am knowing… that part that wants me as I am… not the girl who will promise to deliver half the world and fail but that girl that knows him… that trusts him, that girl that would not go into a fit just because her memory chooses to bring up things from her past as though they were bigger him.
I’m learning what it means to come just as I am. Even on days I have nothing to offer!
I’m learning that I cannot know God with all of my baggage, it is so difficult to see him amidst all these boxes of fear, guilt and worry… the same things that slowly clogged my mind until my heart grew so cold I could not start a conversation. I’m learning I need to admit I have these “unpretty” suitcases but leave it at that- admit- not tie them all around me that I cannot even see the path way to his peace.
Sooo on this one vow that I may/may not have broken, I leave you with the song below…
In another piece I would write more about vows (I’m quite an expert on this subject- the making and the breaking!!!) ….
And yes.. I was able to jump-start “this thing”… finally!
Photo Credit: Google Images