I met the demons inside me recently. I was obviously too shocked to say hello. Probably too shocked that I denied they had popped out from inside me.
They could not be a part of the girl I had groomed myself to be. It had to be a mistake. So I convinced myself that it was a mistake…
A mistake that I knew all of me all those times.
Based on my recent discovery, I began a little soul search to find the little things that I had conveniently tucked away consciously or those parts of me that could possibly make my own eyes pop and my mouth open without the strength to close it.
Of all the things I found, I discovered and had to admit after a very very very long time my complete denial of vulnerability. My unconscious need and desire to be able to see all things that concern me from one spot, my inability to see a part of me spill into other areas of life that seemingly might make me feel as though I am not in control, my need to have it all together.. an insane craving for coordination and certainty… again, my complete denial of vulnerability.
I look back now and I smile over the foolishness behind the conscious decision I made as a child to be immune to all forms of weakness. It worked, I grew up to be a strong young woman! It was easier, it was cheaper, it was more fun to believe that the missiles that life threw hit and fell to the untarred roads that led to my safe home. Little did I know that those same shields made it almost impossible for God’s love to penetrate into my being. It took a few ‘careless’ cracks and a beautiful plan of an amazing father to rain love from above… He knew too well that even a fully kitted soldier at war could never win a war against rain…. More so a downpour of pure, unadulterated love.
From the corner of my eye today, as I still work on shedding every shield I had put up, I saw her… She smiled at me but behind those eyes I could see the metals… She had the same shields, the same beautiful metal smile…. Just as some of you do… Maybe not of invulnerability, but shields all the same.
With less shackles holding me back and still soaked with amazing love, my message is simple… the less of those parts of us he never intended, the more he can fill us; the more he fills us, the more of him we carry; the more of him inside us, the more we become truly free men. Just as he intended.
Picture Reference: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bongarang/8294042354/