I was born into Christ… More or less… I had heard it all… Almost never missed church, went for all of the Scripture Union camps and I think I have read the entire bible. My parents gave me Christ.. Or maybe Christianity (the religion)… It was an Identity or a culture… I really didn’t have a choice but to be one.
Until my curious mind took over and I began to question the “thing” I claimed I had and believed in… All of a sudden I discovered I had just dogmatically followed what was given to me. There was no difference between my identity as a Nigerian, Yoruba Girl than I was a “Christian”.
It hit me… I didn’t know the person I claimed to serve… I was conscious of his existence and fortunately or unfortunately, I just lived on. Trying to be moral, trying to be happy, dancing in church but completely clueless.
How can one claim to be a Christian without knowing God, without understanding the reason for our existence, without understanding the meaning of the cross? Well that was me.
I must say once my curious mind hit that rock, I completely lost it…. I couldn’t pray to a being I did not know, I could not got to church pretending I understood what was going on. I could no longer allow myself say “God” to a being I obviously did not know. How on earth would the death of a man in History possibly save the world from sin and filth…. It made no logical sense!!!!
I remember reading the bible academically, identifying the loopholes, challenging the existence of God… I began to think… Atheism…
Along with my curious mind came a deep restlessness…. A terrible feeling of anguish and bitterness… I could no longer define myself… I could no longer define my life… and at the deep of it, I thought maybe we are all dust… We are born, we school, work, marry and die…. That’s it. No purpose except to dust…. I lost my drive.
Then one day, after months had passed… I lay in bed, sheets entangled around me…books all over the place…hair messy and mind completely lost. A moment came where I desired more, I craved for more, I felt my life could not just be to dust… I couldn’t be a statistic… Then I felt the urge to ask for help. But from who?
I remember saying… “God, I don’t know who you are, I feel guilty calling you but I need help” I won’t forget that day, the tears rolling down my cheeks, the heavy stone in my heart, the madness of my world staring me in the face… There I was this little girl asking the God she refused for help.
I got off that bed and lay on the floor…. Saying nothing… Just crying… Until I slept off….
I woke up with inner peace… That was the first time I really knew someone up there somewhere was listening.
That day was the first day of the rest of my life… It wasn’t a roundabout, 360 degree change… It was work… real work…. Gradually I shed the clothing of depression, pain and confusion….. Gradually I wanted to know God… I needed to know God and have him.
We walked together that entire year through the lessons of Love, Faith, Wisdom and finally Purpose.
Truth, I still do not have all the answers… But I can say this confidently… The human mind was created in such a manner that it wants to believe that there is something bigger than it… that there is someone or something that controls this world… That it is not just a statistic just like the plants and animals… The human wants to believe in something… anything…
The bible is the closest thing that has answered those questions… Believe me… I know
My journey continues…. It has been amazing… It has been hard sometimes (I still fall often)… But in all, I found myself, I found purpose and I found peace.
Today, I live… I do not just breathe.
Originally posted on http://livingchristtodaylct.blogspot.com/ Monday 23rd April 2012