I am embarrassed.
I cannot imagine the explanation I would give for the tears in my eyes if I were asked. It would sound weird in anyone’s ears because the tears are coming from a day of frustration at the airport. I was not the only frustrated person but I bet I am the only one losing a battle to my tear glands.
It definitely did not start this morning.
It started last night. I should have slept early but I did not and I ended up having a topsy-turvy night. I slept frustrated and a little upset. My insides were having a field day playing some sort of nasty soccer and my head was upset at my heart, my heart at my head and my spirit was low. I could picture my spirit all clad in blue sitting on a swing head bowed.
Sleep found me at the light hours of the morning and divorced me about 3 hours later.
I should have been upset with sleep but I had the hopes of a better bedmate back home- my mattress that proudly reminds me that it is older than I am- An old but true friend. I looked forward to spending some quality time with her. Maybe she’ll give my back a massage and sweet talk sleep to give me a little more time. Maybe my head and my heart would have missed her as I have and would be elated enough to ensure I have a good reunion. Maybe my spirit will be colored bright yellow with a big grin on her face.
But it didn’t happen that way, I missed my flight and I had to be dragged into the messiness of the post office. I mean the airport. I was standing for about 4 hours nonstop and by the time I was able to sort it out with the aid of many naira notes I was not ready to spend, I was frustrated. I am frustrated. And I just cannot hold the flood gates pouring through my eyes now. I am still embarrassed.
But not surprised.
This is me. My name is Kitan. I often plan my every move to the last letter. And I get really and deeply hurt and upset when things do not got the way I plan them. Lemme try to explain it to you. Although it may not make sense to some people, I am wired in such a way that I feel so pained (like someone just used a butchers knife to carve out my skin) whenever things do not go the way I planned or better. The hair on my skin stands up and my heart is racing,
I am not sure I was always like this.
But the moment I discovered this part of me I knew that I needed help. From God. Where do you place faith with a woman like me? How do you begin to tell me that it all works for my good? Funny somewhere at the back of my mind I know that in all EVERYTHING will be just fine. But right in the midst of the storm I think I get carried away. I lose sight of the nicely stacked bars of chocolate bidding me come, I do not see the free cinema movie that the DVD trader is presenting to me and I do not see the innocent child who wants to take his mother’s phone and put into his mouth! I lose sight of the side attractions that should have sprinkled my blue day with shades of yellow.
I forget God
And then I cry. Out of frustration. Because this mind of mine just cannot handle it. Why do I even try? So today, I conclude by saying “Lord, I need you more and more everyday. If I were to do it alone, I wouldn’t last. I can’t last. I am but dust without you and what more can a pile of dust do than to fizzle into the atmosphere at the slightest application of force. I admit I am weak. I admit I sometimes try too hard and I know that I try to play God in my life.
But not anymore
Not anymore. Help me become less so that you can become more in me father. Help me see me the way you see me. Help me see life the way you designed it to be.
Help me to have faith as a child… as your child”
Picture By: Artist Angel-http://www.flickr.com/photos/22906844@N03/2199897455/